This might read like blasphemy to some, but when you use the phrase, (and you know you do) "If I wasn't a (team you are a fan of) fan, I would be a (team that's likely way radder and wins more) fan," I've always* said "If I wasn't an Ole Miss fan, I'd be a Florida fan."
(* "always" denotes within the last two years, post Ron Zook, post Steven wanting to get a MFA from Iowa)
Why?
1) It's sunny almost year-round in Gainesville.
2) Their cheerleaders wear garters:
Entirely unecessary, completely welcome, unexplainably hot.
3 They win. At a lot of stuff, which is nice. And they're a nationally known program without nary a hint of racial strife or the excuse depleted state population and income.
4) Orange and blue, while hideous on the plains, is surpisingly festive and fashion forward in the Gator design.
5) Tennessee fans suck.
6) Alabama fans suck.
7) UGA wouldn't let me into college (see: UGA fans suck).
8) Reggie Nelson can achieve land speeds in excess of that of a jet fighter by continuously building on his own momentum, Juggernaut-style:
The aptly named Concussion Farmer. Bumper crop, bitches.
9) We beat 'em twice during Zook, ergo we've enjoyed four year period of shit talking over a national powerhouse in our conference (ending shortly, I assure thee).
10) Steve Fucking Spurrier
11) They usually beat LSU (See: 2003)
12) Every Day Should Be Saturday is a monstrous effort of factoids, analysis and painfully funny commentary (both in vocabulary, timing and natural, educated wit) that gives me blog small-dick syndrome.
12) This one time, in college, I wrote a column about Chris Leak puking in a garbage can that garnered me praise from just about every professor I had. Glory days....don't let 'em pass you by...wink in a young girl's eyes.....
13) Garters.
So, that being said, The Godfrey Show hereby endorses FLORIDA to beat Ohio State tonight in the Fed Ex / Allstate / Tostitos (I'm not sure, but it's one of those) National Championship. Besides, if anything could push the world into total Armageddon, it's the same school winning hoops and football consecutively.
Don't believe me? What about this? And this? And this?
See? Someone better call Bruce.
The greatest film of all time. Fuck you, Citizen Kane.