#1: WAPT-16, Jackson Mississippi "Jackson Police Officer videotapes himself smoking marijuana on duty, in his car." Sometimes, occasionally, even the purest of minds can be tainted by feelings and experiences temporarily greater than their own rationale. Maybe something as stupifying as considering moving back to central Mississippi. I'll leave the details surrounding such lunacy to myself.
Protect. Serve. Crunkify.
But like a warm blanket, headlines such as these reinforce the fact that I WILL NEVER MOVE BACK TO JACKSON, MISSISSIPPI. EVER. EVEN IF THE WHOLE OF PLANET EARTH IS COVERED WITH FIRE BREATHING DRAGONS, SAVE FOR THIS POX-RIDDEN SHITBOX OF A STATE CAPITAL. Because in Jakson, committees are dispatched for months on end to come up with slogans like "We've got soul!" (and apparently the goddamned munchies). Just for perspective, this headline sits cozily with "Pregnant woman found shot to death," "Rapper Banner's luncheon casues debate" and "Ex boyfriend Sought in double shooting." That's bad for a week in some cities. This was an afternoon in Souled City.
Then again, they now have two Whataburgers operating in city limits.
#2: The Capital, Annapolis, Maryland "On eve of Army/Navy, 1991 midshipmen prank considered greatest ever." Unlike the other non-BCS bullshit games that we're "supposed" to care about (Harvard/Yale, Grambling/Southern), Army/Navy is a true rivalry. Oh, and take a long look at that triple option this Saturday, Bama fans.
#3: Atlanta Journal Constitution, Atlanta, Georgia "Vick donates obscenity fee to fallen firefighter." That's called public relations, folks. Don't you think for a second our scrambling fool of a dope smokin', herpes contractin' no offensive management style havin' QB dreamed up giving money to a local fallen firefighter on his own. That's crisis management on the part of Arthur Blank, whose prize stallion bit his own jockey last Sunday. Fuck 'em, I hope they lose to the Deadskins and Blank cleans house, #7 included.
#4: The Daily Mississippian, University, Mississippi "Cummings finds God, but not bond." Everyone's favorite pariah - and his client Daniel Cummings - failed to get bond set in the 20-year-old's murder trial of a University Police Officer at Ole Miss. Attorney Steve Farece, fast eclipsing the lofty popularity of Edgar Ray Killen and Sam Bowers, says Cummings has found Christ to overcome a drug problem.
So: Jesus can get you off blow, but can't justify you as not being a flight risk.