The Godfrey Show

Following the old adage "you don't appreciate something until it's gone", Steven Godfrey is clamoring to post on The Godfrey Show again in the days since The Snyder News Network's database crashed. As you can see, we are currently ironing out some kinks, but over the weekend, we'll be doing our best to rectify those problems and get Godfrey back on board.

On a cold and rainy morning across my new home in the Volunteer State, you'd think this would be the hot topic of conversation among Tennesseans both at home and abroad.

It very well might be, but in one fell swoop the theatre of the absurd that is Ford vs. Corker took a backseat to Nashville's first name in public folly - picking and/or grinning.

Click on the YouTube glory below, and keep an eye on our Mississippi Girl....

The Zapruder Film, with rhinestones.

I have Seasonal Affective Disorder.

(Advertisers call it SAD for short, because they love tongue-in-cheek acronymns.)

This means that based on the amount of sunlight my body "experiences," my mood can elevate (or drop) dramatically. When my body receives very little sunlight, say during a five day span of cold rain and overcast skies in November living in a city "nestled" in the hills of a mountain range in Tennessee, I don't get cranky.

I lose my fucking mind. It's really a fabulous combination of unbridled depression and manic, short-tempered anger. Those two fun-filled emotions don't completely blend, but show their colors at random points of the day.

Lord knows he's just fightin' them Nashville blues - Your average Cory Morrow fan.

Think of a chocolate-vanilla swirl ice cream cone. Mmmm. Both flavors of madness.

Seriously, fuck this asshole.

Seeing stories involving a little ingenuity and initiative only serve to revive my faith in humanity.

A couple of clever gentlemen up north decided to rob a line of people waiting for the new Playstation to come out.

This isn't a crime. This is just good business, and in turn, a parasitic relationship between two unwanted sects of society - criminals and grown men who camp outside retail stores for a FUCKING TOY.

"I once stabbed a man in cold blood for a Game Boy. But this? This is greater than all words."

But my favorite thus far has to be a now-discarded incident closer to home:

"and in Kentucky, four people were grazed by BBs fired from a passing vehicle as they waited for a Best Buy store to open."

I marvel only because, yes, I would be that guy. And a caveat: It's not "cool" or "sexy" when a girl says she likes to play video games, and it's even worse if she's actually attractive. You're only saying that shit to cover for some gaping hole of social and emotional development that keeps you from acting normally around the opposite sex.

Just what I need. Someone I can screw and play "Splinter Cell" with.

Rutgers, Rice, Eastern Carolina, Wake Forest, Central Michigan and Ohio (that's plain up Ohio, regular MAC flavor).

All going to bowls.

Us?

Not so much. Again.

The solace?

Miami, as in Miami, accepted a bid to the MPC Computers Bowl in scenic Boise, Idaho.

Mmmm, sweet tears, sweet sweet tears. Let me taste those sweet tears of crumbling thuggery. Does it hurt? How does the pain feel? Is it sharp and sudden, or just long and dull, an ever-present reminder of your slow skid into the abyss of mediocrity?

Boise: High-water mark for La. Tech, cause for civil unrest in Coral Gables.

I had no idea these spots were still going. But thanks to an insomniac, unemployed post-rehab best buddy (who usually provides me an assortment of emails from midnight to 6 a.m. featuring original haikus, animal porn or video links), now I do.

And I say with much regard: Woooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

#1: WAPT-16, Jackson Mississippi "Jackson Police Officer videotapes himself smoking marijuana on duty, in his car." Sometimes, occasionally, even the purest of minds can be tainted by feelings and experiences temporarily greater than their own rationale. Maybe something as stupifying as considering moving back to central Mississippi. I'll leave the details surrounding such lunacy to myself.

Protect. Serve. Crunkify.

But like a warm blanket, headlines such as these reinforce the fact that I WILL NEVER MOVE BACK TO JACKSON, MISSISSIPPI. EVER. EVEN IF THE WHOLE OF PLANET EARTH IS COVERED WITH FIRE BREATHING DRAGONS, SAVE FOR THIS POX-RIDDEN SHITBOX OF A STATE CAPITAL. Because in Jakson, committees are dispatched for months on end to come up with slogans like "We've got soul!" (and apparently the goddamned munchies). Just for perspective, this headline sits cozily with "Pregnant woman found shot to death," "Rapper Banner's luncheon casues debate" and "Ex boyfriend Sought in double shooting." That's bad for a week in some cities. This was an afternoon in Souled City.

Then again, they now have two Whataburgers operating in city limits.

#2: The Capital, Annapolis, Maryland "On eve of Army/Navy, 1991 midshipmen prank considered greatest ever." Unlike the other non-BCS bullshit games that we're "supposed" to care about (Harvard/Yale, Grambling/Southern), Army/Navy is a true rivalry. Oh, and take a long look at that triple option this Saturday, Bama fans.

#3: Atlanta Journal Constitution, Atlanta, Georgia "Vick donates obscenity fee to fallen firefighter." That's called public relations, folks. Don't you think for a second our scrambling fool of a dope smokin', herpes contractin' no offensive management style havin' QB dreamed up giving money to a local fallen firefighter on his own. That's crisis management on the part of Arthur Blank, whose prize stallion bit his own jockey last Sunday. Fuck 'em, I hope they lose to the Deadskins and Blank cleans house, #7 included.

#4: The Daily Mississippian, University, Mississippi "Cummings finds God, but not bond." Everyone's favorite pariah - and his client Daniel Cummings - failed to get bond set in the 20-year-old's murder trial of a University Police Officer at Ole Miss. Attorney Steve Farece, fast eclipsing the lofty popularity of Edgar Ray Killen and Sam Bowers, says Cummings has found Christ to overcome a drug problem.

So: Jesus can get you off blow, but can't justify you as not being a flight risk.