By THE SCOUTMASTER
SNN Senior Correspondant

CIMARRON, N.M. -- Sup, bitchez.

Shet yo mouf, foo’! Don’t be yellin’ an’ screamin’ like no damn crazy suckah. An’ sit yo dumb ayuss day-own. You gon’ get dem cops afta’ both us actin’ like dat, an’ my bad ayuss already got two strikesez.

Take a deep breff. Cawlm da hayull down.

Now den. You wonderin’ whetha it’s really my true bad ayuss o’ not? Hayull yeah iss me. Da Scoutmastah. Da king o’ dis hill. Da baddest muffer ta ever roll up in dis hood. Don’t NOBODY drop bows and snatch hos like da Scoutmastah do, and ALL y’all suckahs know it.

Drew Snydah know it worse dan all y’all. Dis wepsite weren’t nuffin befo’ Da Scoutmastah were started kickin’ it heeya. Afta’ dat, all da hos in Oxfah were trowin’ day undawerr at day computa screenz fi’ o siss timez a week, screamin’, “Scoutmastah, Scoutmastah! My boyfrint don’t do nuffin ta sastistfy me! I neet yo bad ayuss ta make me feelz like a woman! Come earns dis merit badge, Scoutmastah!” In the meanswhile, all y’all jealous punk brothas started rollin’ up, tryin’ ta watch da Scoutmastah an’ learn da secrits o’ his bad-ayuss-ness.

Well, Da Scoutmastah hopes all y’all done learnt everthang y’all wanted, ‘cause dis da last time y’all ever gonna be graced by my manly presence. Dats right. All y’all know Snydah Newz Networkin’ is closing up. And dats fine wit’ my bad ayuss. Scoutmastah love bein’ da envy o’ all y’allz eyez, but all dem SNN Valentinez be rollin’ up to da Scoutmastah’s pup tent ever weekent in droves, and dey be bringin’ all dey gurlfreents who be sayin’ “Scoutmastah come camp out on my heeyullsite!” Sheeyit, gurl. Scoutmastah don’t got time ta validates yo’ eggistints.

But I’s digrezz. Scoutmastah wants ta trow out some words o’ advise ta some o’ his homies an’ hos.

All y’all Clintin suckahs, keep da fafe. Y’all da lass hope fo’ da blawg-lovin’ Scoutmastah. My bad ayuss cain’t be seen at dat sorry WillBartwayull.com.

Stevie Godfoo, you sorry suckah, da Scoutmastah been payin’ taxes to da IRS on yo receeting-hairlinin’ ayuss fo’ da lass six years ‘cause he STEEYULL owns you. Don’t you evah fo’git it neither. Crackuh.

Squirrel, you my dawg. You been da Scoutmastah’s biggest fan fo’ years. And in case you ain’t noticed, da Scoutmastah don’t need no muffin’ fans! Quit humpin my rightchus leg, suckah! Scoutmastah ain’t got time ta teach you da ways o’ da worlt! Quit callin’ my house, foo’!

Alice Blagg, I don’ even know if you be readin’ dis sorry wepsite no mo’, but if you is, den you needz ta quit bein’ such a dayumn hippy. Cut yo’ hair, shavie yo’ face, trow away all yo’ cargo pantses an’ start bein’ a true bad ayuss like me, da Scoutmastah. It ain’t 1996 no mo’, and you ain’t in no damn Countin’ Crows. Suckah.

Last o’ all, ta Drew Snydah. You welcome, foo’. Da Scoutmastah been carryin’ yo fa’ all dis time. Peeps be rollin’ up in yo wepsite fo’ six yearz ta fint out whetha da Kampout King woult eva make hiz triumphernant return. Well, here it be. And dis da lass favuh I eva doin’ fo’ you. Da Scoutmastah be tired o’ carryin’ yo ded weight all dis time.

Dat goes fo’ da ress o’ all y’all. Da Scoutmastah returnin’ now to da mean streets o’ Philmont. Campin’ out, livin’ stout, walkin’ wiff clout. Dat’s da way o’ da Scoutmastah. Don’t nunn o’ y’all suckahs eva’ fo’git it. Sorry foo’z.

Be prepared, suckahs.