An actress who portrayed one of television's most dysfunctional adolescent girls is providing advice to real adolescent girls. Elizabeth Berkley, who portrayed Bayside High's feminist, pill-popping student body president Jessie Spano in the hit Saturday morning sitcom Saved by the Bell, has started an advice website geared towards young women.

From Time:

Elizabeth Berkley, now Elizabeth Berkley Lauren, is dispensing advice at the fledgling site ask-elizabeth.com. Warning: Music. And rainbows. And Hello Kitty.

This advice site reminds me of the episode where the gang from Saved by the Bell started "The Teen Line." But when I visited Ask-Elizabeth.com, I was disappointed. It was just Elizabeth Berkley. Besides the site having no contributions from Mark-Paul Goselaar or even Lark Voorhies, Elizabeth wasn't using her Jessie Spano persona to answer the questions.

And let's face it: even with the stripper turn in Showgirls, the world will never again try to separate Elizabeth Berkley and Jessie Spano. She'll always be Jessie. So to stop pretending otherwise, not to mention generate actual interest in the site, Berkley should use the decisions Jessie made as a teenage girl as a model that teenage girls of today can follow.

Had that happened, here's a prediction of the train wreck (and hilarity) that would ensue.

Question 1
Dear Jessie,
I'm struggling in geometry. What do I do?

Jessie: Take caffeine pills. A lot of caffeine pills.

Question 2
Dear Jessie,
My father is getting remarried. I haven't gotten a chance to know his future wife, but she is much younger. How should I handle this?

Jessie: Don't worry about actually getting to know her. She's probably an aerobics bimbo anyway. Why don't you try to sabotage the marriage?

Question 3
Dear Mama,
I'm a star football player and wrestler at my school. But deep down, I just want to dance and cook quiche. And plus, I think I'm developing a pretty strong physical attraction to my best friend. But he's more interested in the queen of the costume ball and this haggard biker chick.

Sincerely,
"Al"

Jessie: Slater, is that you?

Question 4
Dear Jessie,
I got into Stansbury and Columbia, but I'm having a hard time deciding which school to attend. What would you do?

Sincerely,
Modern-Day Overachiever

Jessie: YOU got into Stansbury!!! Oh, that does it. I need something stronger than caffeine pills. Has anyone seen Johnny Dakota?